When we returned to school each September we were given this assignment in primary school: "What I did on my summer vacation". The assignment seems to disappear by high school, and thereafter in adult life, we are on our own. I found this "retirement essay" hidden in the September jokes yesterday and thought you should enjoy it as much as I did.
It seems fun because it is so incongruent with retirement activities. Perhaps it is in keeping with what the boys in the back row might have done on their summer vacation.
After My Retirement
After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas. She insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day. Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out. She's like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping centre:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
October 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
I've dutifully edited this for grammar and punctuation, removed some offensive activities and corrected the concluding activities. This seems a normal thing on the internet - to do clean-up work.
~Anonymous
This cute house and garden is in Grimsby, next door to the John Street condos.
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